A Detective Columbo recipe
Health cookies.
It’s one of my favorite TV shows. Columbo is an icon of American populism. He’s Just A Cop with a wrinkled old raincoat (that was famously brought to set by the actor, Peter Falk, himself). He’s an old-school, gosh-darn Italian-American who loves his wife.
The murderers in each episode represent a different sector of the American elite, people who unite a divided country with the power of hating someone whose life is better than their own. The academic, the celebrity, the politician, the businessman. Columbo’s genius is to use his antagonists’ underestimation of him against them. He gets his guy every time and it’s great fun to watch.
Anyway, there’s one Columbo scene with a food item that got caught in my head and stayed there. Columbo visits the luxurious home of this week’s victim, an old rich man with a young, hippie-dippie wife. He meets the old man’s housekeeper, Mrs. Peck — the mistress of the house, presented as an old maid with an unhealthy attachment to her employer.
A quick aside. The old man is presented as vital, on top of the world, while the old maid is presented as just that — old, just a maid, kind of crazy. Even though THEY ARE THE SAME AGE. I know things are bad now but from watching old time TV — if you’ve ever experienced any sort of marginalization, things are better for you now than they were then. Though if you’re a Columbo type, or an old rich white man with a young hippie-dippie wife type, then yes — things were better in the past and frankly you missed out.
So poor Columbo cannot catch a break with this lady. She’s upset about her boss-daddy-husband with the young hippie-dippie wife dying, and the cop’s unkempt, blue-collar presence is an affront to the refined home she works so hard to maintain. They butt heads and Columbo is baffled by the reactions he’s provoking.
But this star detective of the Los Angeles Police Department always gets his man. Through trial and error, he successfully manages to charm her. After working his magic, Mrs. Peck apologizes, in the form of offering him a glass of milk and some “health cookies.”
Health, the idea of working toward good health, the idea of health as effort rather than a state of being, is a recurring theme in Columbo. Conversations about health and fitness were emerging in the American consciousness. I can picture the housekeeper fretting about her boss’s sweet tooth and making health cookies from a recipe her daughter found in a women’s magazine (barf).
Health cookies
Cut to me making health cookies for myself, and for you! Not some rich old idiot. With the power of:
Recently, I made a tomato pie using sorghum + water instead of milk + butter + eggs. I achieved the structure through the magic of fermentation. Here I use the batter to make a wholesome, multigrain cookie that, I daresay, would win Mrs. Peck’s approval.
This recipe is multi-day, but only because you ferment the batter at least overnight. See the ancient grains post above for more detail, but basically, put a cup of millet in a large bowl and cover with water. Cover bowl with a towel and leave overnight. You should see the signs of fermentation — a rim of fizziness, bubbles, a sourdoughy tang. Keep it going another eight hours if needed. Fermentation breaks down a super hardy, tough grain, making it more digestible and tastier. Once fermented, drain bowl so that grains are still wet but excess water is gone. Then blend! I let my batter hang out for another few hours in the oven with the light on to continue the fermentation process.
Once batter is ready, measure out one cup of it and pour into large bowl. In a different small bowl, mix 1/4 cup whole-wheat flour, 1/4 cup all-purpose flour, 2 tbsp sugar, 1 tsp baking powder and pinch of salt. Mix in dry ingredients into batter. Fold in raisins and toasted pecans (or another nut) for optimal health and chocolate chips (because they are cookies after all!) Then flour a cutting board. Roll the dough into a log, wrap and chill for at least an hour. Once chilled, slice logs and re-roll each slice into a ball, then slightly flatten with hand. into cookies. Bake at 350°/177°C for 15 minutes.
Here’s the final product — no milk, eggs or butter! Just hearty grains, nuts and dried fruit. Enough to hold Colombo over on his crime-solving workday ‘til dinner with the Missus.
